Living Straightedge

I’ve been mulling this over in my head for a couple days, trying to think it all out before I put it out there for the world to see, and fellow straightedge people to judge me.

I am straightedge. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs. But, I wasn’t always that way. Yes, I’ve smoked a Marlboro Red or two, took sips of friends drinks at shows, and stayed true to myself by never doing drugs.

I didn’t become straightedge because I needed a family, an excuse, or a reason to tell myself why I abstained from this things. I didn’t need someone to keep me in check or a way to make more friends. I simply saw that some of the most influential people in my life were straightedge, all for very different reasons. So, I looked into it.

I became straightedge for me. I think it’s healthy and that’s exceedingly important to me considering my medical history. I would rather look out for my friends than be one of those girls you see at every party, the girl who is so trashed she’s half-naked and making a fool out of herself. You know exactly the girl I’m talking about. Yes, I know that I would stop drinking before I reached that point but, I like to have my wits about me, 100% of the time. I don’t need to drink to let loose or smoke to relieve my stress and anxiety.

I hate the militant ones, the straightedge kids who won’t associate with anyone who isn’t sober. The militant ones who judge people because they’ve decided to live their life differently. I’ve had friends tell me about people knocking drinks out of their hands, attacking them at shows, etc., all because they were partaking in non-straightedge activities. All they do is give every straightedge kid a bad name and a bad rep. I’m pretty nothing is gained by being hateful and judgmental towards someone who has chosen to live differently than you.

I have no problem with my friends drinking, smoking, and yes, I am even friends with people who do drugs. I love them all just the same. It’s their life and their body, we’ve just made different lifestyle choices. I don’t judge them for it. Why should I? They love me, they are there for me, they’re good people, and they’ve never wronged me.

I don’t understand the straightedge kids who shun their own if they break edge, but willingly hang out and associate with people who have never lived the straightedge lifestyle and never will. That’s called being hypocritical. You are turning your back on so-called “family” because they have decided to alter their lifestyle yet, you hang with people who get trashed on the regular. Explain that one to me, please. Isn’t the main part of friends and family to be supportive, no matter what? Again, what do you gain from shunning them? I mean, besides looking like a hypocritical ass.

Maybe I’m the one who sounds like a hypocrite but, I am sometimes almost ashamed to associate with the word “straightedge” because everyone assumes it to be one way. I’ve had people tell me they were shocked I liked to go to shows and parties because I chose to live a sober lifestyle. Being straightedge doesn’t mean I stopped living, I just live differently.

Does this whole thing have a sting of anger to it? Yes, it does. I’m embarrassed by the kids who give it a bad reputation, the ones who think they are so “hardcore” and “cool” because they have chosen the straightedge lifestyle. My John Wayne of a father doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs but he doesn’t run around telling people how much better he is because of it and he certainly doesn’t call himself straightedge. There are so many people who live a sober lifestyle that I don’t think I am any more special for doing it by calling it “living straightedge”, I’m just living.

Bullying

As of late, bullying has made quite an appearance in the news and seems to arise in everyday conversation for often than ever before. The reasoning for this? More and more kids are committing suicide due to being bullied. I hate that it has had to go to these great lengths for anyone to truly begin to notice how horrible it is.

Everyone I seem to know was bullied at some point in their life. Granted, I am friends with a very eclectic group of people which probably explains it. We were the “different” kids, the ones who were mercilessly mocked for thinking outside the box and waiting to go and be something beyond the average corporate world.

I was not bullied for my sexual orientation, my skin tone, my religious beliefs, or how I dressed. I was bullied for being outspoken, overweight due to medical issues, and being a farm kid, amongst many other reasons.

My middle school years were hell, pure hell. I dreaded waking up and going to school, would do anything to get out of certain classes, abhorred walking down the hallways or even having to visit my locker. Some people were friendly to my face, and then spread vicious, scarring, painful, brutal rumors behind my back.

Through all of it, my brother, his friends, my parents, my ponies, and our farm were my saving grace. My brother is 2 1/2 years old than me and the fact that he was involved with the football team and all the guys would speak to me in the halls and look out for me infuriated girls my age. They were jealous that these guys would notice “the fat freak” but would not acknowledge them. I was never interested in any of these guys, they were just my friends and they looked out for me. My brother has always been and will always be my best friend. My parents fought tooth and nail with the school, the school my brother attended grades Pre-K through 12 and I attended Pre-K through my 1st semester of 9th grade when I finally had to leave. I always knew I was safe when I came home. My ponies and my dogs could never hurt me.

I thought that high school would be different so, I went back. After one semester, I had to leave. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have made it. I found Salem Academy, an all girl’s school that initially I was mortified of attending because the majority of my tormentors had always been girls. Salem turned out to be a great place for me. They were compassionate and safe through all my health battles, everyone was weird, and we all knew it. No one was the same and for the most part, we all got along because of that fact. Most of us had sought out Salem because our middle school years were hell. We were all smart and different and strong. It was a great place and I will forever be indebted to it helping heal so many scars.

I still struggle with my female relationships. I still have insecurities and scars, and most likely always will. Bullying is real and painful and for some reason, people seem to be ashamed that they were victims. I have no problem talking to people about how painful it was, and the memories still are. Why? If it helps spread the message and brings attention to bullying, it’s painful affects, etc. I will do all I can to help. I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy and in my heart, I know karma will deal with my tormentors in the long run even if I’m not there to witness it.

I know..

I know I haven't written here lately. But, I will again soon. Promise. I just don't have anything to say right now.