Guilt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yRYAgP_vTI

I have watched this video 3 times. I can barely stand to watch it and when I do, I cry every time. Me, a person who NEVER cries, bawls openly and honestly. Considering it contains some of my favorite people ever you may be asking, "Why?" Well, I'll tell you.

Sometimes in life something or someone just hits you, it's as if they were placed right in front of you at a point in your life when you needed it most. One of those times that makes me believe in karma even more.

I spontaneously agreed to go to a music festival. I am rarely spontaneous but have been trying to be more so this year. I got a speeding ticket on the way there. I wasn't exactly in a great mood, wasn't sure I wanted to go, and BAM, there was this group of people. There I was surrounded by sorority girls and frat boys in a metal shirt, skinny jeans, and Vans, feeling more out of place than ever, sitting with Rachel changing the strings on my guitar amongst drunk preps, and I look to my left and there is a band playing guitar at their merch table, not a care in the world, in their own world, just having a blast. Sometimes, people really do come into your life for a reason and at the right moment.

When I met JSIC I was going through a pretty tough time in my life trying to separate myself from a certain group of people I had relied on for quite awhile. I felt very defeated and I was burnt out. I felt alone in my passion for things and could not find a person, an artist, an author, a band, or a friend to that inspired me. Well, until that day.

JSIC's accident was almost 2 weeks ago and it had really stuck with me. Now, I know it has not effected/affected/changed me like it has them but still, it's something that is constantly in my mind. When I look at the accident footage, I feel guilty. The last words I said to a dear friend of mine were, "I hate you." Completely in a joking manner but looking back, no one else would known that. They, and he, never let on to how bad the accident really was. I mean, I knew it was bad (hello, they flipped 3 times and totaled everything) but, for some reason I had no idea just *how close* I had come to losing them.

They have never taken advantage of my generosity and some days, I wish they would. I owe them. Their friendship and their music has taught me a lot about myself and has allowed me to shed myself of some very bad habits in the form of some bad people. I cannot say enough amazing things about them as friends (first and foremost), artists, musicians, and professionals. They say true friends are the ones who know everything about you and like you just the same and that's exactly how it is. I would never dare use them, offend them, sell them out, gossip about them, etc. They are my friends.

People can think what they want, say what they want, and assume what they want. I've rarely been one to let other's opinions shape or define me; only the one's of the people that truly matter.

I owe them. Plain and simple. And I couldn't be more thankful for that music festival and that day. Here's hoping for many, many more.

25 Things

1. I am extremely OCD...about how I eat my candy. To the degree that each candy has it’s own “eating pattern”, Skittles one way, M&M’s another. I also don’t like that many different kinds of candy.

2. I think flannel is better than a boyfriend 98% of the time.

3. I will be deaf when I’m 50 because I don’t wear ear protection when I go to shows or band practice. When that day comes though, I’ll proudly sport some hearing aids.

4. I am not a fan of whip cream but will eat frozen Cool Whip right out of the container by the spoonful.

5. When I am sitting in a restaurant and I see people shove giant grilled cheese sandwiches or bread in their mouth, my resentment level rises a little bit. If you don’t have severe food allergies you wouldn’t understand.

6. Along with the previous note, I am supposed to carry an Epi-Pen with me at all times but it hasn’t left my kitchen cabinet since I got it.

7. I have REALLY weird nicknames for some of my friends. Hungry Hippo? Bananas? These are product of many an insomnia-filled night/coffee-overdose day.

8. If I don’t write at least once a day, even just a couple sentences, I feel like my whole chi gets thrown off.

9. When Keith Urban pops up on my I-pod I usually skip the song. I have a tattoo in his dedication and he is my number one musical influence and still, skip. I only like to listen to him on long road trips because I think his albums are like a story. Plus, his CD’s do him no justice. He is 40 bajillion times better live.

10. I can quote Gilmore Girls, all 7 seasons, word for word. No shame.

11. I am the perfect picture of a Gemini. I live by myself and love my quiet time but I am also extremely outgoing when I am around people. There has to be a balance between the 2 or I get burnt out, and fast.

12. My 2 favorite movies of all time are “Footloose” and “Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory”. I’ve always wanted an 80’s prom with Oompa Loompas. Next 2? “A River Runs Through It” and “Legends of The Fall”.

13. My grandmother wanted me to be a debutante. Me, Mary McCashin, a deb. Hah!

14. Sometimes I seriously wonder how I existed before some people came into my life.

15. I eat a super healthy diet but consume MASSIVE amounts of unsweet tea and coffee. I don’t think the surgeon general would approve.

16. I am a vegetarian and allergic to gluten but when I am sick, I ALWAYS crave a Wendy’s #1 Combo. Never eat it, always crave it.

17. I can never see myself driving anything but a Jeep.

18. Breakfast foods are my favorite foods. Seriously, I love an epic omelet with about half a bottle of Texas Pete.

19. If I talk to someone on the phone chances are they are on speaker phone. I hate holding a phone up to my ear.

20. I’m a very awkward winker.

21. Chewing gum disgusts me. Texture, how people look doing it, etc. Ew.

22. I have never played beer pong and never will.

23. I LOVE brushing and flossing my teeth. I’m certain it’s past of the point of being healthy.

24. My guitar cost me $25 and has a slightly warped next. I will have it until the day I die however.

25. I know the Yale University fight song by heart. No member of my family and no friends of mine have ever attended Yale but, I know it. I often sing it randomly while cleaning my house.

Rediscovery

Upon late I have been fortunate enough to fall back in love with, or dare I say rediscover, things that I gave up last year. I gave them up for a person who is no longer in my life and never seemed to appreciate all I sacrificed for them. This involved working out, my animals, riding, writing to a degree, and definitely reading.

Lately I have been going back through books that shaped me, characters that I saw reflections of myself in, and authors I admired. I have also been inspired by friends to explore new authors and new great works of art that I am not sure how I previously missed out upon. How did some of them slip through the cracks?

I go through phases in what I read; music, rock n' roll history, autobiography, and now, the classics. I am revisiting the books that inspired authors of today, who's legacy lives on daily in high schools, colleges, and households across America. Those old books that have that fantastic mildew-like smell when you check them out of the library. These books, are the classics and hopefully a new foundation of which to build some of my writing on.

It' been amazing going back to running in our back 100 acres with my dog, riding my horses, never feeling rushed. I am surrounded by friends who are positive, loving, and rarely anything but happy. And, they know how to exercise the two greatest words in the English language, "thank you".

I can't believe I stayed so unhappy for so long. Shame on me for all that lost time and cheers to me for making it up now.

Appreciation

Last night I was fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of one of my favorite things, appreciation and being appreciated.

With all that has happened with JSIC people keep thanking me for doing all I have done. I do appreciate the thanks but my response is that it is nothing that they wouldn't do for me and it's what friends are supposed to do for one another.

Last night, they agreed.

It's an awesome feeling to know that people have your back and appreciate you. The word "thank you", when said with sincerity, is one of the most gratifying phrases to my ears.

If I had done the same thing for another band and another person, I think we all know who I'm talking about, it not only wouldn't have been appreciated, it never would have been good enough. I would have exhausted myself and it would have never been worthy of his time.

Now, that is no longer the case and it fills me with an incredible amount of happiness that this has finally come into my life and, regret that I suffered through the other for so long.

I'm just really pleased with all that is happening in my life and the people that are in my life. I hope it continues. There's something to this whole being happy business.

Happy

I'm that kind of happy where you are so happy you can't possibly imagine anything bad happening or any negativity entering your life.

Blessed

I've been using a certain word a lot lately.

Blessed.

Formally, I have always associated this word with church, a place that does not bring happiness to my mind. I can't remember the last time I was in church, I think sometime when I was in high school. As many people know, or may not know, when I became sick the church turned it's back on me and I was hurt and became very bitter and angry. I have avoided friend's weddings because I can't be inside of a church. I have adopted beliefs in karma and Buddhism to a degree but in my mind, Christianity is not an option and will never be again. Not saying I'm not friends with religious people because I am, it's just the way I have chosen to live my life.

But, blessed.

This word has come out of my mouth more times in the past 3 days than it has in a very long time. With JSIC's accident and realizing how truly precious some people are too me and how fleeting life can be. I was forced to think when the last time I had told them how much they meant to me and had things turned out horribly wrong, would they have known how much I cared. Describing the fact that they were spared and that no one was seriously injured is a hard one. "Lucky" just doesn't seem to do the situation justice despite my Irish roots. Karma was truly looking out for people who deserved it. A band so selfless in their being that they chose to continue on bruised, battered, and facing monumental loss (both financially and physically).

I am blessed. I am grateful. I am lucky. I am fortunate. This accident and my friends have helped me realize these things in the past couple of days. "Blessed" seems to be the words that fits the most. Life knew that many people, including myself, could not have handled had anything happened to such a tremendous group of people. I sincerely could not have taken that shattering loss in my life right now and karma and the universe knew.

So, for now, I'm okay using this word "blessed". It brings a peace to my mind.

Exhaust Yourself

"Find life experiences and swallow them whole. Travel. Meet many people. Go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys. Try everything. Exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life." - Lawrence K. Fish

By far on of my favorite quotations, if not my favorite.

I think the trait of loyalty in a person is one of the most under-appreciated things these days. Few people are loyal anymore; loyal to friends, loyal to companies, etc. My family raised me to be a loyal person. Whether it was being loyal to a vet, a company we used in our Tack Shop, or an employee who had been with us for years.

I am loyal one. I will go above and beyond for my friends, exhausting myself for them, both in good times and bad. This whole ordeal with JSiC being in the accident has really put some things in perspective for me. Our friend Colt, their merch guy, said, “The things we commonly worry about are not important, they are a drop in the ocean. I have just now realized this.” Well said Colt Weaver, well said.

When you are a loyal person or people realize just how loyal you are, they are often cautious and taken aback as this is not a common trait amongst people in our society anymore.

I will exhaust myself for them. I will do anything in my power to help them raise the money they need, over $30,000, and I will be there for them through the duration and beyond. It's what friends are supposed to do. It's my duty, it's my LOYALTY , it's my job, not only as a fan, but as a friend to do this for them. They have earned it, they deserve it, and I know that they will appreciate it.

Loyalty is an admirable quality and one of my favorite ones in a person. I wish more people would exercise it, much less come to know the meaning of it.

Please Help JSiC

http://donatejsic.blogspot.com/

There is the link.

Please, please help my friends out. They are completely overwhelmed and the loss is monumental. We need to raise about $30,000 all the while they are paying to rent a U-Haul to stay out on the road.

Anything and everything would be greatly appreciated.

One Class Act

"We are still going to finish this tour. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE STILL ALIVE- AND THIS IS WHAT WE LIVE FOR."

I am brought to tears by my friends' dedication to their music and their fans.

This is EXACTLY why we are friends. That passion that makes me love life and feel so alive, they choose to live their life the same way.

They are classy and selfless and amaze me. There aren't enough words to describe how professional they are.

If you aren't a fan of Jonas Sees In Color, you'd better be now. No other band, no other artist would continue on with their heads held high for 3 more days, a few days break, and then another long stretch.

I am speechless.

Water On The Rise

The old men say the sea is not forgiving,
That she aches for the living with an
Eternal belly that swallowed her soul.

They say he heard a voice that came from the sky
And it told him what to do to survive,
So he took his axe to the cypress and oak.
He dug the bark and ripped the leaves
That turned poison into air to breathe
And he didn't stop until he'd built a boat.

I was standing on a mountaintop
And I stood still until I saw the water on the rise.
I watched as the buildings fell;
I had so much to say and no one to tell.
I thought of you as his ship went by.
I was the highest point of the planet Earth
But lower than I'd ever been before.
I caught his eye and I saw him smile.

I tried to understand what he'd done.
I weighed what he'd been given
Against what he'd given up.
He gave up everything for love.

As the gulls creaked a hymn,
He washed his hands of salt and sin,
And prayed for the water to get shallow.
He kept his fingers on his pulse
To keep his mind off all he'd lost.
He chose the rosary;
I chose the gallows.
Because I'd rather be gone than stay here alone
And have the whole wide world
With nowhere to call home.
I'd rather be lost than have nowhere to go.

I tried to understand what he'd done.
I weighed what he'd been given
Against what he'd given up.
I'd give up everything for love.

I'd rip the globe at the seams.
I'd let the whole world fall in the sea
If I thought it'd bring you closer to me.

I would rip the globe.

The Worst Wake-up Call

This morning I awoke to the news that my good friends, the band Jonas Sees In Color, had been in a terrible car accident last night. On tour, en route to Chicago they swerved to miss a broken down car on the road and flipped their 12 passenger van and trailer full of gear three times. They landed upside down. I may not be a religious person but, it is a true miracle that they all walked away. No broken bones, just bloody and bruised.

After the waves of panic and anxiety came a breath of relief. Yes, I am overwhelmed and upset that this happened to them but, they are okay. These people are dear friends of mine and in the short time they have been in my life they have given me so much, not only as musicians but also as friends.

So today I encourage you to do this, tell a friend how much they mean to you. It can be 1 person or 5, just tell them. You can tell them how much they mean to you, that you love them, how talented they are; the whole point is to just let them know you care.

I am beyond grateful my friends are okay and I know that their positive attitudes will help carry them through this. Please keep them in your thoughts though as they do need all the continued support they can get.

Travel

My urge, want, and need to travel is growing. Yes, I want to be home and ride my ponies and be a farm kid but, in the same breathe, I feel that I need to go and travel and explore the world some. I wish that was even remotely financially possible. To go and smell new smells and experience places I have never been. To take midnight walks in cities I have never been, drink coffee, swim in faraway oceans, stand where Napoleon stood.

I want to take one, or several, of my artistic friends who will appreciate the beauty, inspiration, freedom, and rejuvenation I am searching for and longing for. I find that these people would encourage me and bring out the best. I want to go out to French nightclubs and hear loud French pop music that makes so sense to me but yet maybe, will inspire me.

I don’t want to seem selfish in my want to go and be free and experience new life but, I feel like there are times in my life when I need to be selfish.

Maybe if it’s even just taking a road trip with my friends, sometimes I think that would be enough. It would be enough to tide me over at least.

A New Beginning

This my mind on paper. It is a place for my family and friends to check in with me since I hate to talk on the phone and when I have 5 minutes to myself, I often like to keep it that way.

First and foremost, I am a writer. I hold nothing back. I curse like a sailor. I make my political and religious views known.

Secondly, it is guaranteed there will be things going on in my life that I do not post here because some of my business will always remain mine and mine alone. I have no room in my life for drama and so, shall it unfortunately enter my life, it will not enter this blog.

I am complicated and simple in the same breath. I am no person but my own. Tattoos, green hair, and an old soul.

I may write daily, weekly, or this may be my first and very last post. Only time will tell. This, is a new beginning.

25 Albums

1) Matt Nathanson- At The Point (Live)
2) Keith Urban- Love, Pain, and The Whole Crazy Thing
3) Kings of Leon- Only By The Night
4) The Avett Brothers- I And Love And You
5) The Beatles- Abbey Road
6) A Day To Remember- For Those Who Have Heart
7) Eric Church- Carolina
8) Foo Fighters- Echoes, Silence, Patience, & Grace
9) Frank Sinatra - Classic Sinatra
10) Jack’s Mannequin- Everything In Transit
11) My Hero Is Me- Helen of Troy
12) Jewel- Goodbye Alice In Wonderland
13) The Demonstration- Accidents With Intelligence
14) Dierks Bentley- Up On The Ridge
15) Jonas Sees In Color- Jonas Sees In Color
16) Maylene & The Sons of Disaster - III
17) Meiko- Meiko
18) Miranda Lambert- Revolution
19) Simon & Garfunkel - Best of Simon & Garfunkel
20) The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
21) Sugarland- Twice The Speed Of Life
22) The Beatles- Sergent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
23) The Avett Brothers- Emotionalism
24) Matt Nathanson- Some Mad Hope
25) Kings of Leon- Youth & Young Manhood