Being Afraid

"There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it."

I'm afraid of not making a difference.
I'm afraid of giving my heart uncritically to someone again only to have it completely destroyed.
I'm afraid that the people I love and care about will never know how much they truly mean to me.
I'm afraid of dying alone.
I'm afraid of not giving enough.

I don't know if I'm so scared of getting burned again or if I'm scared of loving someone so completely and having them show me a complete disregard for everything I do for them and everything I am. I guess you could say I'm scared of letting myself lean on someone again.

I want to make a difference. Cheesy I know and how many people say that everyday but, I do. I want to make a change. I want to write something that matters to someone. I want to be involved with musicians who change lives, including my own. I want to set the world on fire. I want to break down barriers and challenge society. I want to promote peace and unity within society.

I always worry that my friends don't know just how much they mean to me. If we are friends, WE ARE FRIENDS and I'll go above and beyond for you. People always think I have ulterior motives because people are so cautious of genuinely nice people in today's world. I just want to be happy and for my friends to be happy and, if for some reason they are not, I can do whatever I can to change things around.

I don't understand how I can be so fiercely independent and yet be scared to die alone but, I am. I want to find that person whom I can love with my entire being, uncritically and passionately, and have them appreciate me and return every ounce of love back to me. Call me a hopeless dreamer, a wishful romantic but, I guess that's what I am deep down inside.

I want to give; I want to give myself, my efforts, my energy, etc to worthy causes and people. I want people to know they can count on me to be there for them and to have their backs. I will exhaust myself for my friends. I will exhaust myself for a cause that means something to me. If it matters than it's worth everything.

All of this is a motivation and a test. Motivation in the fact that it pushes me to make sure I am doing my best and being my best. A test of myself to let down my guard and try and let more people in, a test of trust if you will. Life doesn't put anything in front of you that you are unable to handle.