"There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it."
I'm afraid of not making a difference.
I'm afraid of giving my heart uncritically to someone again only to have it completely destroyed.
I'm afraid that the people I love and care about will never know how much they truly mean to me.
I'm afraid of dying alone.
I'm afraid of not giving enough.
I don't know if I'm so scared of getting burned again or if I'm scared of loving someone so completely and having them show me a complete disregard for everything I do for them and everything I am. I guess you could say I'm scared of letting myself lean on someone again.
I want to make a difference. Cheesy I know and how many people say that everyday but, I do. I want to make a change. I want to write something that matters to someone. I want to be involved with musicians who change lives, including my own. I want to set the world on fire. I want to break down barriers and challenge society. I want to promote peace and unity within society.
I always worry that my friends don't know just how much they mean to me. If we are friends, WE ARE FRIENDS and I'll go above and beyond for you. People always think I have ulterior motives because people are so cautious of genuinely nice people in today's world. I just want to be happy and for my friends to be happy and, if for some reason they are not, I can do whatever I can to change things around.
I don't understand how I can be so fiercely independent and yet be scared to die alone but, I am. I want to find that person whom I can love with my entire being, uncritically and passionately, and have them appreciate me and return every ounce of love back to me. Call me a hopeless dreamer, a wishful romantic but, I guess that's what I am deep down inside.
I want to give; I want to give myself, my efforts, my energy, etc to worthy causes and people. I want people to know they can count on me to be there for them and to have their backs. I will exhaust myself for my friends. I will exhaust myself for a cause that means something to me. If it matters than it's worth everything.
All of this is a motivation and a test. Motivation in the fact that it pushes me to make sure I am doing my best and being my best. A test of myself to let down my guard and try and let more people in, a test of trust if you will. Life doesn't put anything in front of you that you are unable to handle.
8.17.2010
8.14.2010
Quarter Sleeves!!
Granted I can't get them for a year and a half because of my arm surgery but still, a good girl plans ahead.
SLEEVE ONE: “Broken words come from healing hearts. Stitch me up, stitch me up, I’m ready to talk.”
**This is a definate for one arm complete with a tree resembling “The Giving Tree” and a weeping willow.
SLEEVE TWO OPTIONS:
1) “There is something to be said for the healing power of invisible breath.”
2) “I’m singing about Carolina, because I write songs for you.” (with dogwood flowers)
3) “With a writer’s sense of style, a guitar full of strings”
4) “Maybe things are better outside these walls”
5) “I’d rather be lost than have nowhere to go.” (with a compass and a map of some kind)
**The others I have no idea what I want image wise yet.
All in color. I'm not a black and white girl.
Your input is welcome. :D
Being super broke is going to be super awesome and super worth it.
As for the people who don't like this, deal. It's my body.
SLEEVE ONE: “Broken words come from healing hearts. Stitch me up, stitch me up, I’m ready to talk.”
**This is a definate for one arm complete with a tree resembling “The Giving Tree” and a weeping willow.
SLEEVE TWO OPTIONS:
1) “There is something to be said for the healing power of invisible breath.”
2) “I’m singing about Carolina, because I write songs for you.” (with dogwood flowers)
3) “With a writer’s sense of style, a guitar full of strings”
4) “Maybe things are better outside these walls”
5) “I’d rather be lost than have nowhere to go.” (with a compass and a map of some kind)
**The others I have no idea what I want image wise yet.
All in color. I'm not a black and white girl.
Your input is welcome. :D
Being super broke is going to be super awesome and super worth it.
As for the people who don't like this, deal. It's my body.
8.12.2010
As The Beatles Said "HELP!"
I am an extremely independent person and rarely ask anyone's advice on how to do something. I usually just do it, like Nike.
However, I need some advice.
As you may or may not know, I am the black sheep of my family. I am also a trailblazer in that I am the 1st to get not one, but two tattoos. Both of my feet are tattooed and I did this so I could a) visually see them and b) keep them hidden when I needed too. I had told my Dad that my 2nd foot tattoo would be my last. Wellll........
I am getting 2 more tattoos. I am getting a quarter sleeve on my right arm in a year and a half (have to wait for surgery scars to heal) and now, I want 2 dogwood flowers either on my left shoulder, collarbone, or left ankle.
How do I tell my Dad? He is the only one who will have any resistance in the matter. I am fully aware that this is my body and this is what I want. I don't want them tomorrow because I have to heal first but, I still want them. Does that make sense?
Anyone? Anyone?
Any advice, comments, perspective would be awesome.
Thank you.
However, I need some advice.
As you may or may not know, I am the black sheep of my family. I am also a trailblazer in that I am the 1st to get not one, but two tattoos. Both of my feet are tattooed and I did this so I could a) visually see them and b) keep them hidden when I needed too. I had told my Dad that my 2nd foot tattoo would be my last. Wellll........
I am getting 2 more tattoos. I am getting a quarter sleeve on my right arm in a year and a half (have to wait for surgery scars to heal) and now, I want 2 dogwood flowers either on my left shoulder, collarbone, or left ankle.
How do I tell my Dad? He is the only one who will have any resistance in the matter. I am fully aware that this is my body and this is what I want. I don't want them tomorrow because I have to heal first but, I still want them. Does that make sense?
Anyone? Anyone?
Any advice, comments, perspective would be awesome.
Thank you.
My Apologies
I know I haven't written much lately and for that, I am sorry. Writing has always come very naturally to me but, when I am in pain and overwhelmed I just shut down.
The last post I wrote was the night before a surgery that was supposed to be simple. 3 surgeries combined into 1 and taking no more than 3 hours to complete. 8 1/2 hours later, it was finally done. I have since had numerous allergic reactions to pain meds that have almost led to emergency room trips. You could save I've been a little preoccupied.
However, I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. I wish I could be more independent in getting ready (showering, dressing, etc) but when your biceps have been slit open and you abdomen, it's a little challenging. I can hardly raise my arms and for maybe 15-30 seconds at a time. The strength is just going to take awhile to come back.
But, it's done. I don't ever have to go through it again. Everyday, I am one step closer to being out of the compression wraps I have to wear for 4 weeks. Sporting these bloodstained LACE (ewwww) things at school is going to be HAWT. Whatever. I've never cared what people thought before, why start now?
It's just going to take some time and I am not known for being a patient person.
On a side note, how do I tell my Dad I am getting a half sleeve and another tattoo on either my left shoulder or my collarbone? I am not a fan of the whole doing it and then asking for forgiveness later bit but, I know his approval will never come. This is MY body and MY decision, I just don't want to disrespect him. Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Help!
The last post I wrote was the night before a surgery that was supposed to be simple. 3 surgeries combined into 1 and taking no more than 3 hours to complete. 8 1/2 hours later, it was finally done. I have since had numerous allergic reactions to pain meds that have almost led to emergency room trips. You could save I've been a little preoccupied.
However, I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. I wish I could be more independent in getting ready (showering, dressing, etc) but when your biceps have been slit open and you abdomen, it's a little challenging. I can hardly raise my arms and for maybe 15-30 seconds at a time. The strength is just going to take awhile to come back.
But, it's done. I don't ever have to go through it again. Everyday, I am one step closer to being out of the compression wraps I have to wear for 4 weeks. Sporting these bloodstained LACE (ewwww) things at school is going to be HAWT. Whatever. I've never cared what people thought before, why start now?
It's just going to take some time and I am not known for being a patient person.
On a side note, how do I tell my Dad I am getting a half sleeve and another tattoo on either my left shoulder or my collarbone? I am not a fan of the whole doing it and then asking for forgiveness later bit but, I know his approval will never come. This is MY body and MY decision, I just don't want to disrespect him. Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Help!
8.02.2010
Round Trip
From NC to Wyoming and back again.
From my real home to my 2nd home and back.
Haven't much felt like writing, just reading a lot.
Surgery tomorrow at 8am. Maybe I'll feel like writing later in the week when I'm on house arrest.
From my real home to my 2nd home and back.
Haven't much felt like writing, just reading a lot.
Surgery tomorrow at 8am. Maybe I'll feel like writing later in the week when I'm on house arrest.
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